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  1. it's plain mind disturbing.

    Thursday, December 02, 2010

    insecure is the word.

    like seriously.... i am dreading everything right now. i am afraid of this i am afraid of that. tho yes, it may seem promising right now in terms of certain matter, i am still making up questions that self doubts myself. all the crappy what ifs that, i even think myself of being unreasonable.

    tho it seems obvious right now, i still have so much to question. what if only to me this thing is like that? what if nobody agrees with me? what if i just so happen to be available 24/7 to be substituting for someone else? what if i read it wrongly? and then make a fool out of myself?

    i hate feeling like this. i really really hate it. why can't i just be ignorant and just fake through my life and assume that everything is like the way i naively believed it to be?

    i know what i've promised. there is a part of me that wants to reveal everything and just bare myself infront and show you all the way down my core but it isn't that simple. in fact i never had acquaintances with simple ever before.

    as said, i think i am attracted to problems. i may say wanting things to be normal and just be easier but i never once chose anything simple nor easy.

    i would really just wish it be simple right now and that i could just go for it a 100% and know that it's okay. and that it will be alright. but yes, as i said i wish.

    and also permanently have what i had that night. not just freaking interpreting what the hell was that eventhough underneath wanting it to be like that again so badly. everything is driving me nuts.

    and also...

    sometimes i wonder why do i always end up in the middle of nowhere when my intentions were merely just sincerely wanting to offer a helping hand? sincerely hoping both sides to be alright? am i such a busy body that deserves all this? deserves to just be there to suck everything in and then explode inside all by myself?

    being in the middle sucks max! why can't i just be at the side? why do i have to sacrifice my own happy feelings and then somebody else who claims to say appreciating my help just gets his/her very own happy ending and i am just like there at this state where i am neither here nor there?

    the more i feel like this, the more i really just feel like leaving all my observant side and all that and just screw everyone and don't care anymore.

    it seems easier to not even bothering to solve anything out. rather than sitting there feeling like crap just cause you wanna help to solve the problem by cracking your head and somehow affecting you emotionally so much.

    my emotions may have been better if i am not this nosy. but yet it would be a lonely sad life cause i will be this emotionless friend that doesn't care about anything anymore.

    BUT ALSO now, i think a sad lonely life maybe better than always being caught up in the middle of nowhere good and always end up taking other people's problem as if it was my own and then get so fucking emotionally disturbed by it.

    sometimes i just hate everything and just feel like leaving everything for good and start things from scratch again.

    every damn thing right now is driving me nuts.


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