with only 5 hours of barely getting any deep sleep, i woke up and swamped myself with movies after movies. save the last dance and coach carter which took up my next 5 hours. then left behind looking at the back of someone and have so many thoughts in mind and so much things to say but ended up just feeling too tired and fell asleep on the bed.
woke up and realised it was time. time for me to lose my everything now. time to go back to feeling nothing simply cause i really just prepared myself for the worst. i sat beside and poured out my feelings and myself right until my core that no one has even seen. said everything eventhough it was with a shaky and scared voice. shown everything eventhough it was so vulnerable to sit there and talk my heart out while tearing in disbelief. then my heart just totally shattered into a million pieces because of a simple yet harsh phrase, don't know. and i asked twice.
for the first time in my life, i walked out on someone. someone who genuinely and truly made me happy and became almost my everything. i turned my back and left. it hurt so bad opening the door and then walking out and never looking back. the hardest thing i forced myself to do ever and it hurt so bad. so so bad. and the worse thing is, i was having those moments that you see in shows where i secretly wanted to be chased after. and it failed me. not even a call, a text or a word.
i blame myself for what happened. i led myself on to go through such pain. i never said no at the beginning and now i put the blame on me.
i don't regret for what i've done with you and for what we've been through honestly.. i really had the best time ever in my life. so now, i only blame myself for everything. for how things turned out to be. him who i especially don't blame at all.
i would just hope that you felt what i felt when i am with you (:
but this is the right thing to do. because if things are never gonna get exclusive, it never will. especially knowing that it wasn't only me who've been told about it. why bother holding on to something that in the end means nothing actually?
i was so scared of the idea of losing everything that i wanted to back out and never make the right move and never to make a stand for myself or for us. because all of this was really just too good to be true for me to just wanna give it all up.
i've never cried so hard and so easily in such a long time. every time i think of the look i got from you and how things were today, tears just trickles down my cheek. when i think about us, about everything that has ever happened since july last year till today, especially these three months, i really miss it. i miss all of it. i miss you. i want it back. i want to turn back time and to feel again. to feel how i was being swept off my feet again. but for now, reality, it'll never be like before. i can never turn back time. all i have now, is memories. and that's it. memories which now seem so distant and vague.
i hope you see what i see and want what i want. really.. i am not giving up on the idea of us. just the idea of how things are when i thought there would be an us. until now, i would still really want it to work. i sincerely really do want it to work. but somehow i think the chances are pretty slim? and maybe never ever will be an us after all.
but i really wanna ask i really wanna know, do i not matter as much as you matter to me for you to change your mind? to willingly want to give it a go? to wanna overcome your fear with? you just never answered me all this questions. never at all. which makes things feel 10 times as bad. i know deep down, you care, you feel what i feel. but just somehow, you never let me in. and i've never heard the answers that i was hoping to hear. was i not being enough for you?
i am seeing a friendship and something more than that slipping through my fingers right now. it feels like after this thing about today, we will never even be friends anymore and that its just gonna be left like that. no one makes the move to talk and in the end it became unclaimed and never mentioned anymore.
as much i wanna believe it won't reach that stage, i think it will. it's not that i don't believe or don't trust anymore. it is that i took a step back and looked and realised that what i believed and trusted seem to be different than what it used to be.
in a hundred photos jumbled together, its you who i see straight to. and it will stay like that most probably for quite a while i think. i don't forget and let go that easily. especially not from something like this. and especially not when it meant so much to me. i've said i won't give up. i won't now, but along the way will i? i would say don't know too.
i just wanna know how you are feeling. how you are doing. how much it affected you. but my ego stands in the way that i don't think i should be the one who asks questions first. i dare say i know you well to know exactly the answers to all of that. and also because that i think i know you, i think i know how this will end.
there you go, story of my life.
p/s don't ask what is it about or what happened. i don't owe anybody any explanation. thank you, but don't. writing it down simply makes me feel calmer and slightly better.