ps : i heart you ♥

i was reading some blogs and wondered if whatever it said might happen to me. will there be a day that whatever i've hoped for and is hoping for come true?

as much as i've been telling myself to stop, to let go, to quit hoping, i dont know why i just cant seem to do it well. i always try halfway and then i get drifted too far off track and when i realise it, it takes me some time till i get right again.

then i'll continue my race and then the same thing repeats again.

i am tired that i keep going back and forth over the same issue, over the same problem. but it is like an automatic preset thing in me that just cant be turn off somehow.

i am making this my number one priority eventhough it made me tear soo much, made me emo so much but yet makes me happy sometimes.

but the happy times are sooo minimal that when i think back, i'll always finish the thoughts with, "is that all? no more already?". but yet these little happy things kept me going on so far till i cant seem to stop anymore.

do i really deserve holding onto this that much? when i come to think of it, i dont. i havent got any acknowledgement over how much i cared about this. all i got was confusing thought, and sad moments. even tears last time.

i really really felt that by me leaving to a whole new stranger place and getting to know new people, i might forget about all this.

but how true is that thought? what if things get even worse when i am there? even the situation now i am already trying so hard to keep up. i am not sure whether am i capable of handling it if it gets worse.

i breakdown easily and take quite some time to stand up again. dont matter how hard i am restraining myself from breaking down that fast, the situations around me seems to not get better. so hows things suppose to get better for me?

i am tired that the person is you. i am tired i cared so much. i am tired that i am still holding onto something that goes no where. and i am tired that you seem you dont care anymore.

sometimes i asked myself "why you? why do i have to bring myself into all this and then get upset over all this?".