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  1. it was dark. a dark saturday for us.

    Monday, January 30, 2012

    it was one crazy weekend.

    i was suppose to go out and have fun and laugh about stuffs and catch up with friends and do what normally people do on weekends. blog about stuff, skype, shopping, chinese new year dinners and a whole lot of other happy stuff.

    but.. my weekend was not at all happy. painful in fact.

    received a shocking call on saturday morning and literally saw the world of my family went into darkness. a loud cry woke me up. and before i knew it, i was in tears as well.

    it was a passing of a very close aunty whom i truly love. tho i don't see her often, she was significant in my life. in all of our lives.

    it was hard. sudden as well. because she was as per normal the day before and had a hearty lunch with some of my family and she was really fine...

    no one had seen this coming. she wasn't even 60. but i guess it was in a way a better thing for her. she had been going in and out of the hospital but it wasn't a serious thing yet.. hmm i guess it was rather that she didn't have to suffer on the later years to come i guess.. but still.. it was so sudden that none of us could accept.

    i drove back to raub saturday morning cause it was only me and mum at home. was back in raub close to 11am.

    on the way home, all i could think of is my grandma. she lost a daughter and i lost a close aunty. we lost a dear family member. the moment i walked in the house, i walked up to her and told her that everything will be okay. and that she has to be strong. it was hard. i hugged her and we were both in tears. everytime someone comforts her, she cries. it was really hard..

    everyone seemed lost.

    tho my grandfather passed away when i was a year old, there isn't any memory in me on how it felt like. but this, i just saw her last week and sat beside her and was debating over the fact that she gave me too much money in the angpau. we had lunch together on the second day of new year. she was walking and talking. and we were laughing together..

    it is still hard for me to accept the fact that i won't see her the next time i am back from melbourne anymore. i won't hear her voice over the phone anymore.

    but i guess the most we could ask for is a peaceful leaving. and she left peacefully in her sleep. without any suffering and pain.


    i saw her for the last time that saturday afternoon. she looked peaceful and calm. every single time i picked up the joysticks to pray before her, tears will roll down my cheeks. everyone was the same. we spent the whole day sitting around the house and helping out. whenever a memory comes flashing by, we see ourselves in tears.

    sending her off on sunday was tough as well. walking behind the car and holding on to mum and just knowing that this is it, it was painful. the long and slow stroll behind the car felt short because that was it. the last of it. there wasn't anymore if it.

    no doubt we ended the day with a feast and laughing through things, but in all of us, we were putting up a mask to cover the pain. i covered it with the amount of food i ate over the weekend. we've all came to terms that she's in a better place and at least, she doesn't have to go through any suffering days. and for that, we see this as a good thing. but still, none of us is ready to let her go.

    looking at my cousins and uncle, her family, i can't help but to tear even harder. i can't imagine being in their shoes. i really can't...

    this was a harsh reality for me. i've never been so close to someone's death and this was really harsh. i can't lose anybody in the family anymore tho i know it is inevitable. but i just can't.

    i kept on telling my grandma to take care. and that things will be fine. she has to be fine. i've also became naggy towards mum and told my mum that she has to take care of herself as well. she has to.

    sometimes when some harsh reality kicks in, is when we appreciate people around us. it is never too late. i will appreciate.

    until right now, everything is still so surreal to me. i guess i've gotta slowly let time bring me through it. bring all of us through it.

    my dearest aunty molly, may you rest in peace. you are in a better place now and your memories lies deep within us forever. you are always in our hearts. <3

    lots and lots of love always,

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