I am having one of those before exams before swotvac demotivated nights. I am still wondering what I am doing with my life. Stuck in the same place when everyone else is moving forward. People say, don't worry about others. They say, how others strived or how others failed should have no impact on justifying what you're doing with your life because it is YOUR life. But, seeing people moving on and writing new chapters of their lives just can't help to make me wonder when will that day come for me?
I could have easily enrolled in a business course and probably survived it or maybe at least do what I love or surrounded with things that makes me love what I do. But instead, I am no where near what I love doing nor seeing myself doing what I do now in the future.
Life is all about struggle and how you make the best out of it but I am just not that optimistic person. And I tend to give up on things when I know it wouldn't work out at the end anyways. But this, THIS, the path I've supposedly chosen, I can't give up. There is too much to lose and there isn't another way out. The only one is to, strive another 12 subjects and I'll be done with this.
My white flag is already making quarter of its way up. How much longer could it be? Before I could put an end to this. Don't get me wrong, it is an amazing and bright future course. But it is just not me. At least not with the vision I have right now.
I am more than halfway across. And I keep trying to tell myself that the light at the end of it, isn't that far away. But I myself keep stepping further and further away from the light and just keep drifting and wandering somewhere else. I know, I may not be the best and most discipline person ever because I procrastinate till the cow comes home and I still never move. Just that, I am so demotivated. I don't wanna move. I keep crawling back to my comfort routine and put everything else which is important on hold. I just keep running away from reality and just hope and hope and keep my fingers crossed that things would just miraculously work out.
It is not something I should say but it is how I feel. And it is heartbreaking and disappointing altogether yet I never make a stand for myself. I am failing to succeed at this point of my life. And I SHOULD BE fighting back. I should, I know.
I'd just wish I could turn back time and choose it again. Impossible, I know. Not something I should say, I know. I should be saying "I'll make the best with what I have and do the best with what I have" but, honestly, even if I would have said it, I wouldn't have meant it.
If only I didn't have so many but(s).. and so many I know(s) that I am neglecting.
I am sorry for letting you down, mom.