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  1. exams... ):

    Friday, June 08, 2012

    i've been up at 1am for the past two three nights and there is no way of me going back to sleep. every night i'll be like worn out by 10pm and i'll be off to bed and then 1am i'll be awake. tonight, no exception. my alarm was set for 3am so that i could have a decent 5 hours of sleep then wake up and study and go for exams. but now, only 3 hours.. =/

    tomorrow will be my third paper. one more next week and i'll be done. but for the past week my stress level is so high and i am barely myself.. i am bringing myself to tears every night.. i've been distant and somewhat clingy. feel like saying it all but no. yet i want my loved ones to be by my side. it has been so depressing... god knows why i chose this and why the hell am i putting myself through all this pain and agony... but i am more than half way through, what else could i do? i guess i chose this path, i gotta walk it to the end but don't matter how much i want to turn back, i can't. the end is the only way out.

    this is what people say as life obstacles i presume? i've never ever actually faced any obstacles in life till i am few thousand miles away from home, everything involves a heavy load of cash, everything at a fresh start and it is called University.

    i see people, friends, slowly one by one getting their degree and working but i on the other hand? still doing my degree and still no where near to being a graduate. why did i have to choose something so tough and what i seemed to have not been excelling in at all...? if i would have went for something simpler, easier, cheaper, i might already be a graduate right now.

    everything was so much simpler back then. now, i struggle with one thing only. acing uni. and everything is so much more complicated as time passes..

    just called my mum not too long ago. and i woke her up from her sleep. before when she called, i was distant because i wanted to put a strong and calm but yet sounded stressed up tone to her. she always knows me better than anyone. i felt bad for being so distant and i really wanted my mommy to be around... so i called her just now. as i've already knew, tears were trickling down my face while i was still acting tough and trying to sound okay.

    i still have 4 more semesters of all this bullshit. please god, someone or anyone, tell me how to go through  2 more years of this? ):

    i am at my weakest during exam period. never at my strongest. that's why i need everyone i love to be around me... it is the comfort that i get. but if not, when i am by myself, i tend to break down very easily. i know i know.. you don't always have the ones you love around you all the time, and we gotta learn to stand on our own two feet, but.... just.. you know.. wishful thinking.

    tomorrow after my paper i'll be spending the week at the bf's. right till after my last paper. at least i have him eventho my mum isn't. but brightside, i'll be seeing my mum next saturday. i'll be heading back to malaysia. but first, i'll be spending a week with the bf before i head home. which i'll be home without him.. AGAIN... ): for a month... ): i think i have separation issues! HAHA!

    and one more thing, i feel so bad that there isn't more time for me to spend with aunty D. i'll only be back home next friday and on the same night, she'll be sending me to the airport... ): i am sorry.. i'll try to make up to her when i am back after the winter break :D hehe

    okay.. now back to studying. and please god, don't be too harsh on me tomorrow. thank you.

    at least i'll be going home next week to this sweet little thing. little Justin boy (:


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